Update 1

So it's been a busy few days...
I went to auditions and Bruce came. Bruce is a guy I have known for years, we dated briefly once but never since, he's attracted to me and I am to him. When we meet up we kiss, but he doesn't want a relationship. It's driving me crazy because everyday I look out for him, only for him to barely acknowledge me, I think 'Fuckkkk why is he so hot' and I just want to be with him but he doesn't, at least not like that. He came and he got me in so much shit with my friends, quietly mentioning an embarrassing secret and making someone believe I'd called them a slut... I ask myself why the hell do I still give him the time of day? But I can't get over him, partly because it's never off the table and partly because I don't want to go back into having no guy at all, It's a lonely world out there guys. I wish some of you would comment, give me your advise or tell me about you.

The audition went ok apart from that, the usual scared year 7's and the year 9's that think their 18 and the antisocial sixth formers, only there for a main part or volunteering hours to boost their personal statement (don't get me started on that evil). I discovered I should never pretend to be drunk singing... ever... I sound like I'm drowning.

Last night I went to a party, surprisingly the shit effected me this time. So many people were crying though so I had to sober up quite quick to make up for it, not before being questioned about my ex though. Troy slept near me and I did not feel comfortable in the slightest, he stroked my thigh and through clothes poked his manhood on my arse... not nice. Also sat through Scream, a horror I actually could watch all the way through.

This morning I was up and visiting my uncle by 10, he's still struggling with his depression... we all are since the 3 family deaths in 3 months, it's so hard to see everyone like that. A couple nights ago I couldn't stop dreaming about my aunt in the hospital bed, so withered and helpless, I can't escape the image, I continue to carry the weight of the deaths, I can't get over them at all. This was the reason for the scrapbook I made mum for her birthday next week, it was expensive and time consuming but God knows we need a pick me up.

I went ice skating, the freedom felt so good I didn't want to stop, I love losing myself in the flow of it, feeling the sharp air against my cheek and my feet glide across the ice with my ankles throbbing. I wish I could do it more.

Until next time my angels.