Update 2

I've always been skinny, it wasn't something I thought much about until year 4/5.
I started being called anorexic, I had little remarks pointing out how underweight I was, it was true; I ate toddler sized meals, I was a fussy eater, skipped meals, but when I started being bullied it made me even worse. I'd be the first out the changing rooms, I'd feel sick at the sight of food, I offered to be a playground buddy so I didn't have to face the lunch hall, I lied to my parents about what I ate, I just couldn't force myself to ear, the sight of it made me feel sick.
When I got to secondary school there was less remarks, but till everyone would say how lucky I was to be so skinny and if I complained Id be told to shut up and go eat a burger', I was described as fragile, delicate, weak.
When I had my first serious boyfriend it ended badly, he was quite horrible and turned my year group against me, accusing me of being a slut, even though he had been the one to force me to be intimate with him (which later effected my willingness to be intimate in later relationships). He made many remarks about my weight and because I felt so powerless I ended up self harming for a while, I felt so alone and debated whether there was any point of my existence anyway.
I still feel the effects of being underweight, people think you are just self-conscious but there are so many other effects: you feel weak, your immunity is poor, you are cold all the time, god knows how difficult it is trying to find a dress.
Today we looked at eating disorders and it bought it all back, all the names, the painful memories, the feelings and emotions.
But I know I can get through it, just like all of you can.

Update 1

So it's been a busy few days...
I went to auditions and Bruce came. Bruce is a guy I have known for years, we dated briefly once but never since, he's attracted to me and I am to him. When we meet up we kiss, but he doesn't want a relationship. It's driving me crazy because everyday I look out for him, only for him to barely acknowledge me, I think 'Fuckkkk why is he so hot' and I just want to be with him but he doesn't, at least not like that. He came and he got me in so much shit with my friends, quietly mentioning an embarrassing secret and making someone believe I'd called them a slut... I ask myself why the hell do I still give him the time of day? But I can't get over him, partly because it's never off the table and partly because I don't want to go back into having no guy at all, It's a lonely world out there guys. I wish some of you would comment, give me your advise or tell me about you.

The audition went ok apart from that, the usual scared year 7's and the year 9's that think their 18 and the antisocial sixth formers, only there for a main part or volunteering hours to boost their personal statement (don't get me started on that evil). I discovered I should never pretend to be drunk singing... ever... I sound like I'm drowning.

Last night I went to a party, surprisingly the shit effected me this time. So many people were crying though so I had to sober up quite quick to make up for it, not before being questioned about my ex though. Troy slept near me and I did not feel comfortable in the slightest, he stroked my thigh and through clothes poked his manhood on my arse... not nice. Also sat through Scream, a horror I actually could watch all the way through.

This morning I was up and visiting my uncle by 10, he's still struggling with his depression... we all are since the 3 family deaths in 3 months, it's so hard to see everyone like that. A couple nights ago I couldn't stop dreaming about my aunt in the hospital bed, so withered and helpless, I can't escape the image, I continue to carry the weight of the deaths, I can't get over them at all. This was the reason for the scrapbook I made mum for her birthday next week, it was expensive and time consuming but God knows we need a pick me up.

I went ice skating, the freedom felt so good I didn't want to stop, I love losing myself in the flow of it, feeling the sharp air against my cheek and my feet glide across the ice with my ankles throbbing. I wish I could do it more.

Until next time my angels.